The Whites House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release
March 17, 2017

Joint Press Conference with Quote-Unquote "President" Trump and German Chancellor Merkel

East Room

2:09 P.M. EDT

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Thank you very much. Chancellor Merkel, it is a great honor to welcome you to the White People’s House, the Whites House. Our two nations share much in common, such as fascism. That was me, I did that. You’re welcome.

We just concluded a productive meeting with the German and American companies to discuss workforce development and vocational training – very important words. Germany has done an incredible job training the employees and future employees, and employing its manufacturing and industrial workforce. I’m told America once had a manufacturing and industrial workforce, before it was stolen from us in a daring pre-dawn raid by Mexican commandos. That must have really been something.

My administration is in the process of rebuilding the American industrial base. A stronger America is in the interests, believe me, of the world as a whole. Yes, you heard that right, I’ve brought things to a place where the rest of the world has to be reassured that a stronger America isn’t something they should be terrified of. Again, you’re welcome.

I reiterated to Chancellor Merkel my strong support for NATO, as long as it doesn’t cost us anything or restrict the actions of my good friend Vladimir Putin in any way. I told Chancellor Merkel, you should sit down with Vlad sometime, he’s not as bad as you think. Germans and Russians seem to have a problem with each other for some reason, I don’t know why. Just get over it, I told her. Get over it.

The close friendship between America and Germany is built on our shared value. We cherish individual rights, we uphold the rule of law, and we seek peace among nations. Our alliance is a symbol of strength and cooperation to the world, which is why I feel free to put it in jeopardy with stupid early-morning tweets.

Thank you.

CHANCELLOR MERKEL: (As interpreted.) Mr. Quote-Unquote “President,” ladies and gentlemen, it is a great pleasure and privilege to be here today in the Whites House, together with Quote-Unquote “President” Donald Trump, and have a first personal, one-on-one meeting and an exchange of views.

Let me look back into the past. We, the Germans, owe a lot to the United States of America, particularly as regards the economic rise of Germany. This was primarily due to the help through the Marshall Plan. Remember the Marshall Plan? When America was farsighted enough to be willing to spend money to help a former enemy become a stable, successful democracy? I mean, I know the guy next to me doesn’t. I’m pretty sure he thinks the Marshall Plan is a layaway program for broke guitarists. But hopefully the rest of you do.

I was gratified to know that the President had aligned how important he thinks NATO is. NATO is of prime importance for us, because it’s the reason we’re not picking Russian tank shells out of our teeth every morning. Once upon a time Americans were smart enough to understand that it was in their interest for Europe to play Robin to their Batman, but since those days are clearly over we said during our summit meeting that Germany needs to increase defense expenditure. Last year we increased our defense spending by 8 percent, and we’re going to keep increasing it, so it won’t be long until your opinions are pretty much irrelevant to us. So if that was your goal, well done.

I am also here in my capacity as G20 president. You know that we will be hosting the G20 visit – the G20 Summit, sorry – this year, and I’m very pleased that the President has committed to attending this summit.

We say trade has to be rendered fairer, there has to be a win-win situation. Particularly in this period where we are transiting from traditional manufacturing to industry – capacity-building skills are so important, incidentally, not only for young people but also for those who maybe have lost their jobs and need to be reskilled in order to find a job again. And we’re looking carefully at how the United States has managed that transition, mostly because it would be hard to find a better example of how not to do it than you came up with. It’s like – what is that American cartoon drawing called? It’s like “Goofus and Gallant,” and America is Goofus. It even ended up with America electing a Goofus, so again, well done.

Thank you.

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Thank you very much. We’ll do a couple of questions.

Mark Halperin.

Q: Mr. Quote-Unquote “President,” thank you. A lot of Americans have anxiety, like eight years ago, regarding healthcare. So I’m wondering if you can tell people what your bottom lines are. And Chancellor Merkel, Quote-Unquote “President” Trump has got a different style than most recent U.S. Presidents. I’m wondering what you think of that style, if you think it’s good for the world or if you have reservations.

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Thank you, Mark. We met with 12 pretty much “no’s” in Congress, and they went from all “no’s” to all “yeses”, right up to the second they walked out of the room. It’s all coming together. We’re going to have great healthcare, the greatest. You’re going to have so much healthcare, you’ll be sick of being healthy. You’re going to have doctors sticking gold-plated thermometers up your (inaudible) three times a day. It’s going to be the best.

Now, I have to tell you Obamacare is a disaster. It’s failing. I was in Tennessee – a lot of people don’t know this, but I’ve already started campaigning for 2020, it’s a lot more fun than actually being the Quote-Unquote “President” is. A lot more. Anyway, I was in Tennessee, and half the state is uncovered. The insurance companies have left, and the other half has one insurance company and that will be probably be bailing out pretty soon also. They’ll have nobody. So it’s a priority for me to pull back on regulating insurance companies so they can complete their pullout faster, because that totally makes sense. Totally.

Look, we have a great plan. A great plan. We have a plan that’s getting more and more popular with the Republican base, with the conservative base, and also with people whose opinions don’t matter. The press has covered it very inaccurately. You’re going to be getting gold thermometers up your (inaudible), and you’re going to like it.

CHANCELLOR MERKEL: (As interpreted) Thank you very much. Well, I’m here as Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany. I represent German interests. I speak with the Quote-Unquote “President” of the United States, who stands up for, as near as I can tell, Russian interests. So that’s something I would not have predicted, I can tell you that much.

Q: From the German Press Agency. Madam Chancellor, given the experience of the GDR, you are always saying that you are so confident that walls can fall also. How dangerous do you think the isolationist policy of the Quote-Unquote “President” is? And also, with the fact that he doesn’t think that the EU – doesn’t deal with the EU in a very respectful way?

And then, Mr. Quote-Unquote “President”, how does it feel to be a giant, lying asshole?

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Nice, friendly reporter. (Laughter.)

First of all, I don’t believe in an isolationist policy. I believe in a policy where we literally isolate ourselves from the rest of the world behind 30-foot-high walls. So that’s something completely different. Completely.

But I’m not an isolationist. I’m a free trader, but I’m also a fair trader, because I don’t understand what words mean. I believe you can be both those things at the same time. So I don’t know what newspaper you’re reading, but I can guarantee you it’s at least one more newspaper than I am.

CHANCELLOR MERKEL: (As interpreted.) Well, allow me, if I may, to project in the following terms. I grew up in Communist East Germany, so I knew a thing or two about walls. Let’s just say I’m not a fan. This guy, though, for some reason he loves them. I’m guessing he’s never in his entire life found himself on the wrong side of one. Just a guess.

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: I might add that we have many plants and factories coming back into the United States. Many jobs are coming back to Michigan, to Ohio, to Pennsylvania, to other places I care about less because they didn’t vote for me. Those jobs aren’t coming back because of anything I did, but that isn’t going to stop me from taking credit for them.

Kevin Cirilli.

Q: Yes, Mr. Quote-Unquote “President,” (inaudible) healthcare – what exactly does the (inaudible)?

And then, for Chancellor Merkel, what do you anticipate could be a concession you would be willing to give to the administration (inaudible)?

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Well, Kevin, first let me thank you for mumbling your question so indistinctly that I can pretend you asked me anything I want to.

I think we have a very unified Republican Party. After all, we have the presidency, we have the House, we have the Senate. And we’re getting along very well, I will tell you. They may be fleeing from my health care bill like it’s made of radioactive herpes,, but they don’t say so when I’m in the room with them, I can promise you that.

I think we have a very unified party. I think we’re actually more unified than even the election. You see – I don’t know if you know this – I firmly believe whatever the last person I talked to told me. And in this case, they told me that Republicans are lining up to support my health care bill. So I firmly believe that.

On trade with Germany, I think we’re going to do fantastically well. Our trade deals are going to be good, solid deals. They’re going to be the best, the most amazing trade deals you’ve ever seen. Maybe they’ll involve having gold-plated thermometers stuck up your (inaudible) too, I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see. We’ll see.

Okay? Thank you.

CHANCELLOR MERKEL: (As interpreted.) I’m not going to name any specific concessions I’d be willing to make when negotiating with the United States, because unlike the guy standing next to me, I’m not a total idiot who can’t be restrained from blurting out things that damage his negotiating position later. So.

Q: Mr. Quote-Unquote “President,” my question addressed to you, if I may – rejected Whites House claims, is that the alleged wiretapping on you, on the Trump Tower, or on members of your campaign was – that British intelligence was either responsible for it or involved in it? After these claims were rejected, what is your take on that? Do you ever regret being completely unable to stop yourself from spouting stupid, baseless allegations that make Americans look like chumps for having elected such a compulsive dimwit?

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: As far as wiretapping, I guess, by this past administration – first, I’m going to talk about what “we” said here, rather than what I said, as if my tweets are intensively workshopped collaborative productions instead of just me in my bathrobe vomiting my thoughts onto the Internet. The buck doesn’t stop here, is what I’m saying. It doesn’t.

To finish your question, we said nothing. All we did was quote a certain very talented legal mind who was the one responsible for saying that on television. And, like I said before, I believe literally the last thing I heard. So you shouldn’t be talking to me for tweeting it out, you should be talking to Fox. It’s their fault for putting someone on who would say something like that. They know I watch them every morning, they know I believe everything I hear. It was irresponsible of them to put that man on. Irresponsible.

Q: Thank you.

QUOTE-UNQUOTE “PRESIDENT” TRUMP: Thank you very much. Great honor. Thank you. Thank you.

2:36 P.M. EDT

The original document parodied by this page is pretty ridiculous all by itself.