President Stephen K. Bannon

Steve Bannon is the 45th President of the United States.

Your new leader, ladies & gents

Steve Bannon is a batshit crazy person who has somehow managed to become the most powerful man in the world.

Born on November 27, 1953 in Norfolk, Virginia, Stephen Kevin Bannon’s spent his early years bouncing around the military and the world of finance before finding a place in the entertainment industry, producing and eventually directing documentary films.

It was as a filmmaker that his political beliefs began to come to the fore. In 2004 he directed a documentary film about Ronald Reagan, titled In the Face of Evil. Three years later he followed that project up with an outline for another film, to be titled Destroying the Great Satan: The Rise of Islamic Facism (sic) in America, which quite reasonably proposed that Muslims, via a secret alliance with a laundry list of conservative boogeymen including the Washington Post, the New York Times, NPR, “Universities and the Left,” the “American Jewish Community,” the ACLU, the CIA, the FBI, the State Department and the White House, want to conquer the U.S. and turn it into “The Islamic States of America” complete with a crescent-and-star flag flying over the U.S. Capitol.

That film was unfortunately never produced, but fans of incoherent, spittle-flecked hatemongering rejoiced when another Bannon project made it to release in 2010. Generation Zero took Bannon’s paranoid conspiracy theorizing to a new level, positioning the economic crisis of 2008 as the beginning of a panoramic collapse of social institutions that will lead to a cleansing apocalypse.

From there he went on to become a founding board member and eventual executive chair of Breitbart News, an online “news” outlet that stoked right-wing fears about women, ethnic and religious minorities, and political opponents with dramatic stories whose only flaw was that they were completely, wildly untrue.

Under Bannon’s leadership, Breitbart broke such pioneering untrue stories as Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel having accepted money from a group called “Friends of Hamas” (he didn’t), Attorney General nominee Loretta Lynch having legally defended Bill and Hillary Clinton against charges in the Whitewater conspiracy (she didn’t), and a mob of 1,000 Muslims in the Germany city of Dortmund having run wild and burned down that country’s oldest church (they didn’t).

Bannon’s unswerving commitment to beating up on the vulnerable caught the eye of Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, and on August 17, 2016, Trump named Bannon CEO of his campaign. After Trump was “elected” “President” on November 8 of that year, he appointed Bannon his Chief Strategist. The appointment was hailed by such notable luminaries as former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, American Nazi Party chairman Rocky J. Suhayda, and leading white nationalists Richard Spencer, Brad Griffin and Peter Brimelow, which says nothing about Bannon so stop thinking that.

Bannon was elevated to the office of President of the United States on January 28, 2017, when it was demonstrated to the American public that Trump will sign, without reading, any document Bannon puts in front of him.

In a post-election interview, President Bannon summarized his political philosophy thusly: “Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That’s power.” Now he has personal control over an army of flying murder robots accountable to no one, so sleep tight!

Steve Bannon is currently unmarried. He has been married three times and divorced three times, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.