Vice President Mike Pence

Watch yer back, Don

Michael R. Pence is just waiting for his chance.

Smile provided by Madam Tussauds

Michael R. Pence was born in Columbus, Indiana, on June 7, 1959. As a young boy he had a front row seat to the American Dream. His grandfather immigrated to the United States when he was 17, which is why his stance on immigration is just about the only thing about him that isn’t terrifying.

Vice President Pence set off for Hanover College, where students today are as enthusiastic about him as they would be about raising the drinking age to 30. He earned his bachelor’s degree in history in 1981. While there he dropped the Catholic faith of his family like a hot potato for the evangelical Christianity of his new main squeeze, Second Lady Karen Pence, breaking his mother’s heart.

After graduating, Vice President Pence turned to politics, mounting bids for a seat in Congress in 1988 and 1990. Pence demonstrated his mastery of campaigning by losing both times to a Democrat. He also demonstrated his mastery of Trumpian economics by using campaign donations to pay his mortgage and personal credit card bills.

Stepping away from politics for a time, Pence practiced law and began hosting The Mike Pence Show, a syndicated talk radio show that featured such riveting segments as “Mike Pence reads the newspaper out loud”. His radio career lasted exactly as long as it took for a Congressional seat in a different Indiana district to open up. In 2000, he launched a bid for that seat that finally resulted in him getting elected to Congress.

Pence held that seat until 2013, when he was elected the 50th Governor of Indiana. He brought the same limited government and low tax philosophy to the Indiana Statehouse that he had brought to Congress, resulting in the economic growth rate of Indiana falling behind all but six other states.

As Governor of Indiana, Vice President Pence signed an anti-abortion bill so extreme that even many Republicans opposed it. Among other provisions, the bill would have required women who abort or miscarry to pay for a funeral for the aborted fetus. He also signed a bill allowing private businesses to refuse to serve gay, lesbian and transgender customers, leading states, cities and private businesses across the country to boycott Indiana as a destination for business travel. By the time he was selected by “President” Donald J. Trump to be his running mate, Pence’s approval rating as governor was among the lowest in the country.

It was this stunning success story, Vice President Pence’s record of legislative and executive incompetence, and his strong “family values” that prompted “President” Donald Trump to select Mike Pence as his running mate in July 2016. “President” Trump and Vice President Pence entered office on January 20, 2017.

Now… he waits.