Quote-Unquote "President" Donald J. Trump


Donald J. Trump is the 1st quote-unquote “President” of the United States. He has been assured by the people who actually make the decisions that the United States has incredible potential and will go on to exceed anything that it has achieved in the past. His campaign slogan was Make America Great Again, which fit nicely on a hat.

Donald J. Trump is the very defintion of the American success story. Throughout his life he has continually failed upward, setting new standards for clownish, unearned self-regard in real estate, sports and entertainment. Likewise, his entry into politics and public service resulted in the Presidential victory in which, miraculously, he won despite an overwhelming majority having voted for the other candidate.

After graduating from the Wharton School of Finance, where he impressed his classmates as a preening, self-absorbed Daddy’s boy, Mr. Trump followed in his father’s footsteps as a real estate developer. Armed only with pluck, business savvy, and “a small loan of a million dollars” from the Bank of Daddy, he entered the world of real estate in New York. The Trump signature soon became synonymous with failed businesses, angry lenders and ripped-off business partners throughout the world. A quote-unquote “author,” Mr. Trump paid people who can actually string comprehensible sequences of words together to write over thirteen bestsellers and put his name on them, including his first book, The Art of the Deal, which was written by a guy named Tony Schwartz who says now that he should have called it “The Sociopath.”

Mr. Trump announced his candidacy on June 16, 2015, and after seventeen Republican has-beens and never-wases suspended their campaigns, he accepted the Republican nomination for President of the United States in July of 2016. Mr. Trump won the election on November 8 of 2016 in an electoral college landslide, which was handy since he lost the popular vote by nearly three million votes. 107,000 voters in three Midwestern states rallied behind his message of rebuilding our country and disrupting the status quo, which means he wins the election because the way we elect our presidents totally makes sense.

Donald J. Trump campaigned in places he knew Republicans have had difficulty winning – Flint, Michigan, charter schools in inner-city Cleveland, and Hispanic churches in Florida – because he wanted to bring his message of economic empowerment to all Americans. He ended up losing in two out of three of those places we just listed (Flint and Cleveland), mostly because that message was nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake, but whaddayagonnado.

President Trump has been married to his wife, Melania, for twelve years and they are parents to their son, Barron, because that is how having children works. Additionally, Mr. Trump has four adult children by two Women Who Must Not Be Named, Don Jr., Ivanka, Eric and Tiffany, and eight grandchildren, all of whom have very reasonably priced lines of merchandise they would like to tell you about.

Follow President Trump on Twitter at @POTUS, because you’re into pain, right? C’mon, the NSA knows you read “Fifty Shades of Grey” seven times. They also know you’re a six, MAYBE seven. Sad!