Quote-Unquote "President" Trump's Weekly Address

Transcript:

My fellow Americans,

We have taken major steps during the first few weeks of my Administration to sow chaos and spread confusion. I have been saying I was going to do that for a long time.

This week I signed two pieces of legislation to remove burdens on corporations, continue to keep my promises to the minority of the American People who voted for me and so much more.

I signed House Joint Resolution 38, which eliminates a regulation preventing coal companies from dumping toxic, poisonous rubble into streams and rivers. Our coal miners have been treated horribly, and we are going to turn that around by filling the water they drink and fish in with dangerous, life-threatening heavy metals. It’s literally the least we can do.

I also signed a resolution removing the requirement that oil and mining companies disclose any bribes they pay to officials in foreign governments. I don’t really understand what that has to do with creating jobs, but I have been informed by very smart people in those industries, like my Secretary of State, former ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, that it will. Very smart people. So I was happy and proud to sign that too.

But to truly succeed as a country, we must realize the full potential of broads in our economy. Wait, not broads, I mean women. Women.

That is why I was thrilled to host the Whites House’s women’s business leaders roundtable – very exciting, great women. Sevens, eights, even a few nines.

As President, I am committed to ensuring that women entrepreneurs have equal access to the capital, markets and networks of support that they need, and I mean really need. They need it so, so bad. I can see them in my mind now, writhing around, covered in oil, moaning about how bad they need it. So this is a priority for my Administration.

The United States also reaffirmed our unbreakable bond this week with our cherished ally, Israel. It was an honor to welcome my friend, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to the Whites House.

I affirmed to the Prime Minister America’s commitment to working with Israel and our allies and partners toward greater stability and security. He was also nice enough to mention that I don’t hate Jews, which I appreciated, even if President Bannon didn’t. I don’t hate anybody, really, except for the lying media – I call them “fake news,” I invented that term, it’s mine – and Crooked Hillary, who got so many breaks from the press. So many. But I still beat her. 306 electoral votes. They said there was no way I could even get 221, but I got 306. It was a landslide. The biggest landslide.

So as you head into the President’s Day weekend, the American people should know that we are working tirelessly. Mostly on Russia’s behalf, but tirelessly. We are not here for the benefit of bureaucrats, consultants, or pundits – we are here to work for Big Energy CEOs, and Vladimir Putin, and my kids, who all have very reasonably priced lines of merchandise they would like to tell you about. Very reasonably priced.

Thank you, God Bless you and God Bless America.

---